Blog Tour: Quilting Isn't Funny with Giveaway!

It's my very first blog tour post!

My loyal 8 followers will know that I am a huge fan of The Bitchy Stitcher, especially for educating me in the dangers of rat poop. When she asked me to be a part of her blog tour, I was honoured and shocked and really, really excited because it would mean I'd get to read more of the brilliant humor she writes. Once again, she has not disappointed.

Warning: Reading this book in public will result in concerned questions!

I had the idiotic brilliant idea of reading my copy while I flew across the globe. By the time I finished her "obligatory" How To Quilt intro chapter, I was laughing maniacally so hard the flight attendants were cautiously asking me if I needed any extra help, the lady next to me was trying to scooch as far from me as her mandated seat belt would allow, and we hadn't even taken off the runway yet.

The rest of the book continued to disturb my fellow flyers, which is high praise as far as I'm concerned. It also includes one of my favorite pieces- A Quilter's Survival Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse- which means I get to tell you the story of how I became friends with Megan and you'll have to suffer through it cause I'm a sap.

I first found The Bitchy Stitcher blog the day before my first FE1 Exam (which is the Irish equivalent of the bar and so terribly unfunny what with all that law crap). I might have been horrendously a tad stressed, and fell back on my trusty procrastination to make things worse better. Whatever the intention, her blog worked miracles. I spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch, reading the entire damn thing chronologically backwards (which works if you count hearing about recovery before the house catches the winter vomiting bug allowing you to skip the vomit working), giggling to the point my darling boyfriend asked concerned questions, and studiously avoiding doing anything law related. I passed somehow, and Megan had another faithful stalker.

Then there came a rainy grey day some months later (which lets face it, is not uncommon for Ireland). It was also a particularly horrible day in work for me (also not that uncommon). There may have been tears, I've blocked it out. ANYWAY, I was meeting my other half in Easons and while waiting for him to arrive I floated around, ending up with an edition of Quilter's Home in my hands.

This in and of itself was a miracle, as QH just didn't show up in Ireland- or if it did, I'd never seen it. I know, I'd looked. In it, Megan was talking about cutting zombies with rotary cutters, and by the time my boyfriend found me I was disturbing grannies and store staff by crying for realz with laughter. And in some miracle of serendipity, the clouds had parted outside and the sun was shining. I'm not even kidding.

So I broke the cardinal rule of stalking, emailed her, and thanked her for brightening my day. Megan will gleefully tell you about all the hate mail she gets from those who can't take a joke, so I'm sure my email, which was dreadfully serious and sappy, came as a shock.

And then she did something unthinkable. She replied to the crazy stalker. The end result, is that I found a wonderful, amazing woman to correspond with and eventually befriend. It was the first and only copy of QH that I bought, but I cherish it not for the info within, but the friend it brought me.

Now she's done this book- which like everything else she's ever written makes me laugh so hard I just about peed my pants (no fun on hour 2 of a 23 hour journey, Megan! Warning label maybe?). Since I couldn't get QH in Ireland, most of what is in the book was new to me, which did not mean that the stuff I had read didn't contribute to me nearly passing out from lack of oxygen at cruising altitude as I wheezed out my laughter through the tears.

This book is too good not to be bought and shared. You should buy this book for everyone you ever met who has even considered quilting. You should buy this book for all your quilty friends and as party favors at your next quilting circle (party favors? Does one do that at circles? I'd go if they did).

But really, you should buy this book for yourself. You should buy this book if you've ever held a needle and thread and tried to make something- quilty or not. When you get your copy, lock yourself in a room or a closet or somewhere your other half won't give you weird looks because I guarantee you when you try to explain why you're laughing uncontrollably the white shirts will be called in.

Made it through my sappiness? Well then, here's your chance to win one of these books. In honour of Megan's bold usage of expletives in a world populated by sensitive souls, to win one of these books I'd like to know what is the most creative expletive you've ever used/heard?

You can either leave a response below or email me at elistevo @ hotmail . com (although if you're too embarrassed to say your curse in public, this may not be the book for you). Give me a name you will respond to, a location (not address) and a way to contact you as well. I will accept multiple entries, but you'll have to have a new curse for each. This will run for a week, at which point I will choose the one that made me laugh the hardest to share with the class.

My personal favorite, which happens to be the only phrase I remember in French, is pardonnez vous, mais avez vous un porcupic entre le fes? which translates to roughly "pardon me, but do you have a porcupine up your ass?" So now you know the kind of standard you have to live up to.

Last day to enter is January 20th at midnight, but I will graciously allow it to be midnight US time, so pretty much get your entry in before I wake up on the 21st. I will announce the winner Tuesday, 21st of January.

And if you don't win this book through me, there's a couple of days left in the blog tour to try. And if that still doesn't get you a copy, just frickin buy it. It's worth it, I promise.

The rest of the tour:

Jan. 15 – Laura Lochore – Quokka Quilts

Jan. 16 – Elaine Wong Haselhuhn – Dashasel Sews

Jan. 17 – Kim – Persimon Dreams 

Comments

  1. Lovely post, I'm sure Megan will be sniffling. Now to the instruction: from my former workplace, we used the acronym "FOAD" to convey how little we cared for someone's actions - translation "fuck off and die". Succinct, got the point across.

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    1. Does one use FOAD as a noun or a verb? Can I just turn someone and say FOAD or do I have to drop it into casual conversation about them? Enquiring minds...

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    2. Definitely verb. And you could smile to let them know you still loved them.

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  2. I have a copy already (I was on the book tour too) so please don't include me in the giveaway, but I just had to say (a) awwwwwwwww; (b) Megan rocks; and (c) hey dickwaffle - climb into your douche canoe, cry me a river, and row the fuck away
    (hope that's not too much!)

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  3. I don't count either, because I wrote it and I'm sitting on eight thousand copies, but I will contribute: Jiminy Jizznuts. Or, perhaps nugget guzzling knobgobbler. One of those.

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  4. I am not even going to try and compete. Clearly out of my league.

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    Replies
    1. It doesn't have to be great, just has to make me laugh!

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  5. My favorite, although not nearly as clever as those above, is "Douche Bonnet."

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  6. My dad used to say "he couldn't find his own ass with a flashlight and a set of deerhorns" which I always thought was very evocative. I'm also fond of "may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your pubic hair."

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  7. I used to share an office with a rather prim and proper princess, so I began saying "White Tufted Ferrets" rather than What The F*ck.

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  8. I can't say it's all that creative, but it's a personal fave: "Fuck a Duck"

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  9. I've always been a fan of the body part + food formula.

    Tit hoagie. Dick waffle. Cunt pizza.

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    Replies
    1. Totally stealing Cunt Pizza for future use :P

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  10. my cousins were creative.....one always said "ton sarny!!"
    don't really know what it was supposed to be.

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  11. Well mostly I just use all forms of FUCK! but, when truly astonished or flummoxed by something, it's "Well Fuck Me in Red High Heels!"

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  12. another cousin (2 years old at the time) told everyone to "go up the hill"
    she was actually telling everyone to go to hell!

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  13. my sister dropped a box of pins aaallllllllllllll over on her slab kitchen floor.
    her 2 year old daughter put her hands on her hips and said "szhit!!"

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  14. This is super nerdy, but I studied linguistics. We all know that a suffix comes at the end of a word, and a prefix at the beginning, but some languages have something called an infix, which is inserted in the middle of the word. The only infix in the English language is " fucking" - as in fan-fucking-tastic. Therefore, the nerd in me is going with any expletive with this infix. Whoopdy- fucking-doo.

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    1. I must support the infix. Al-fucking-ways.

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    2. That is absolutely fascinating. I must admit I use the infix all the time but never knew its origins.

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    3. I just returned from my quilt guild's weekend retreat in northern Minnesota. Our guild is mostly ages late 40s to mid 60s. I had read this comment before I left for the retreat, and passed on this commentary. After we all had a great chuckle, when quilting mishaps occurred over the weekend, being a Minnesotan and mid 60s myself, the cry was WFD!!!!! Thanks for adding a very useful new expression!

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  15. From far in the distant past, my 13 year old self used to have insult/cussword contests with my bestie. I won for all time, we never had the contest again, with:
    "You intervaginal mucus membrane!"

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  16. Really, my variations of "fuck" are not all that creative. It's when I'm at work or around children that my swearing becomes creative. My latest is "SON OF A PREACHER MAN!" (used when I've dropped files at work, or gotten a steam burn at home in front of great-niece.)

    Lovely story about becoming friends. Thanks for sharing!

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  17. So, when I was pregnant, I had no filter. One time, my husband came home from a meeting and when I asked him how it went, he told me about one of his coworkers (who had different ideas on how the office should be run from, well, pretty much everyone else) and how he had tried to overrun the meeting and he really shouldn't have... after hearing this coworker's latest exploits, I referred to him as a fucking cunt face. After my 10 minute pregnancy-induced rant about what an idiot this guy was (I worked there too but different dept.), we laughed at my err overreaction.

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  18. My Mom's favorite comment about a stingy person was ' He's so tight you couldn't get a flax seed up his ass with a post mal!! (13 pound hammer)=D Was commonly said about my ex-husband...

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  19. I just found your blog while I was at the Bitchy Sticher's blog. I'm not entering (but will have to get this book :) ) I don't usually swear but last year after a year of crap I picked up the phrase “fuckety fuck” as in “What the fuck you fuckety fuck?!” and sometimes “Go fuck yourself you fuckety fuck.” I don't say it in public but do at times with close family around. Not directed at them but a situation or situation has created by a fuckety fuck.

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  20. I'm rather fond of Eddie Izzard's "Oh, for fuck's sake", but my most creative were from my library days and I'd use things like "frozzlehumping backawackets" or "pollywogging frizzlesnatch". I'd also use "expletive expletive curse word swear word" and "shizzlefritz" was especially good when the "sh-" escaped.

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  21. The curse I use the most at home is "fart in a bucket" now that I have two boys who love to copy everything I say especially if it will get me in trouble with their dad! It is workplace friendly and makes small boys laugh at home because they love anything with to do with farting!

    Tammy
    morrowrj@telus.net

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  22. Bahaha, just thought of another one:

    When I was in high school, instead of cussing in my house, I'd use weird phrases that weren't cusses but used as such (think frick! but not that similar). After reading a bunch of Dr. Seuss books to the kids in my mom's daycare, I stubbed my toe and shouted "Flufferbunnies!" and that followed me around for a very long time. Not long after, a neighbor boy a few years younger than I joined me in playing video games and he lost and shouted out (after hearing my flufferbunnies a few times) "AHHHH..... NEUTERED DOGS!"

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  23. As a Southern Lady (ha ha) I try not to expletives in public. But at home around the ones I love I don't give a flying F**K.

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  24. Oldie, but a goodie: Go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut! Or if I'm feeling creative, I use a Greek phrase I learned (I'll try to spell it phonetically): Aga misu, puste malaka! which I believe means something like "Fuck you, whore!" but I'm not confident is that interpretation.

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  25. I always say to someone who says something rude to me "Fuck you very much!" They do a double take, wondering if they heard me right or not. I smile sweetly at them like I said "Thank you very much!" but I see their brains working overtime, trying to figure out just what I actually said to them. It always makes my day!!!

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  26. Another thing we say to let someone know if a book or movie was really funny is "It was so funny I farted'!!

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  27. One last thing. In high school a couple of guy buddies would call me 'VaJeannie', like "Roll up the window, VaJeannie", like vagina. Pretty funny at the time.

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  28. I just use that word that begins with F and ends with UCK - you know - FIRETRUCK!!

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  29. This one always makes me smile: "I've gone around the world, to two state fairs, and a goat fuck - but I've never seen any thing like that!"

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  30. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHcim_KNZYw You might enjoy this.

    My own is in German, my first language: Gottverdammte Affenschei├če (God-damned monkeyshit).

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    Replies
    1. There is something about cursing in German that I find very satisfying, and this one is definitely going in the repertoire!

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  31. The F-bomb is the word I dislike the most!

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  32. I don't think this can beat Cunt Pizza - but when I first met my husband, he used to like referring to his Beef Torpedo!

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  33. Newfoundlanders have a talent for cursing, I'd have to recommend Buddy Wasisname and the Other Fellers' Swearing Song (listen here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-45qEOt9EE)

    Lord-liftin-dyin-sufferin...Jumpin-Joseph-Murphy!

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  34. Oh sweet baby Jesus this had me rolling on the floor!

    Some of my favorite swear words came from a friend's college dorm mate. Can't remember what country he was from, but English want his first language. He would get mad and say ass shit or damn mother bitch.

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  35. My favorite from my grandma- sweating like a whore in church! I also often describe my husband as having his head so far up his ass he's turning wrong side out.

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  36. I once left a note on a car who parked so close to mine that I couldn't get in the driver's door; it read: "I hope you don't F..... like you park, you'd never get in"! Uh, ya, I was a bit torqued.

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  37. I totally loved reading the comments, and I may have some new favorites.

    When I was in college (many years ago) we would use "Book" as a swear word. It works great, you can say it with great emphasis, and you don't get in trouble with the authorities for saying it loudly.

    When my youngest was in elementary school (4th grade, if I remember right), he was being harassed by another kid on the playground. When he finally told me about it we brainstormed on how to deal with it without getting into trouble himself (so hitting was out of the question). The next day, the kid comes over to bully mine again, & my kid looks him right in the eye and says "You're a prestidigitator". Other kid goes running to get the teacher on duty, who has to stifle laughter when asking my kid to tell the bully what it meant (someone who does hand magic). Bully left my kid alone the rest of the school year, and mine learned a very important lesson about the power of words. It's still one of my favorite insults.

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  38. My personal favourites are Cockwaffle and Fucklecopter, with an honourable mention to dickbridge.

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  39. Well, when we Southern women who are so sweet ;-) want to say "bite my ass," we smile very, very sweetly and with total sincerity, say "well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." Most people have no idea what we mean.

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  40. My fav is...Oh I didn't know you were from Douche Bagastan! You should go home! Loved your story! .

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  41. Don't have a favorite expletive but right now at work, we have voluntarily instituted the "Fuck" bucket, as we all have been using that word too much. Love my new boss - he's the worst offender!

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  42. Can't think of a good one other than my first swear word learned in a different language: schizer (German)

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    1. Scheissen ist gut! Scheisskopf = shithead, btw. :D

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    2. Also: schweinhund (literally pig dog) = bastard. So much more awesome. :D

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  43. Supernatural's Castiel had the best one ever. The two main characters of the show call each other "bitch" and "jerk". After one such round of insults the innocent angel of the Lord Castiel shouts from the backseat of the car, "Assbutt!". Now my daughter and I yell that whenever we want a laugh (although she says Butt-Butt cause no cursing. LOL!

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